March 30

Dear Diary,

I had an emergent situation with my daughter last night that has my head spinning. When I got the call, I left work and drove immediately to the hospital. She will be fine, but obviously I’m worried about her. Some things were handled poorly between her father and I, but we haven’t been good at coming together in a long time. I know both situations are part of the problem. It’s hard not to feel the weight of the guilt knowing that I’m the common denominator. I know it’s not my fault, but I also know we collectively let it get here. I reassured her that it will be ok, but I just feel beaten down at this point. The hits just keep coming. I’m not even feeling sorry for myself. I just feel overwhelmed by it all and unsure where to start trying to process.

He was fine last night. Sort of. Before all of this happened with my daughter, he’d messaged me telling me that he wanted sex and snuggles. I told him that if he was still up for it when he got home, then I was in. He said he was definitely up for it, and I told him not to tempt the universe to fuck with him. An hour later, I got the call. It was hours at the hospital before we had to leave her. I was home for maybe an hour before he got home. When he got home, I filled him in on the details and he went on to express his anger about the issues with her father. (I am not actually upset about these issues. I have become used to them, and they are petty not malicious so they don’t warrant a great deal of time or attention and honestly I’m worried about my kid not her dad. He has a support system. He’ll be fine. I’m mostly amused by this because he’s expressing anger to me about someone else being disrespectful to me. Not sure if he’s going by Pot or Kettle today, but you know. Both black. So… *shrug*) After his anger was expressed and I’d stopped trying to even talk about any of my thoughts or feelings on the matter because he was just talking over me or asserting his opinions as though mine were wrong (even though some of them weren’t even different), he let me know that he was still in fact interested in everything he’d mentioned earlier in the day.

We snuggled. We had sex. He went to sleep. I changed the show and went to sleep after watching an episode or two. He left me sleeping this morning to go to work. I’ve pretty much spent the day floating through it so far. Life has just become surreal. I don’t know what to do about anything anymore.

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