March 31/April 1

Dear Diary,

He was home all day yesterday so I wasn’t able to fill you in. This morning I noticed how quickly my face can shift to and from hiding my disgust. He hugged me, and I felt it set in as soon as my face passed his peripheral view. (This was accompanied by a delightfully amusing mental video of Disgust from the movie Inside Out running to take her turn controlling the panel. It was her time to shine.) I had so many things I wanted to tell you yesterday, Diary, and now I can’t think of any of them! *sigh*

I’ve been making my plan, Diary. It’s terrifying and liberating. I had hoped to be farther along by now, but I have to change these circumstances. I have to take back control of what I can and do what’s best for my kids. For myself too but what’s best for them is what’s best for all of us and this can’t continue this way. Things are not improving. Ah yes. That was one of the things that I wanted to tell you. Not only has he made excuses for every facility I’ve provided information for, he has also been hiding a container of alcohol in his car. I smelled it on him when he kissed me Saturday and asked if he’d been drinking. He said he had a sip. Then, he launched into the standard list of excuses about how alcohol is the worst detox and he can’t afford to be sick for days. He’s weaning himself off. So on and so forth. You know the speech.

I keep thinking about Labyrinth. About the end monologue. Sometimes when the church bells sound near my house, I hear it playing in my mind. It’s amazing the way you find yourself in the middle of abuse. How you awaken within it. How it colors things. It touches everything even when you think it doesn’t. It wasn’t like when you have that dream where you’re falling and you basically scare yourself awake. It’s like waking up with foggy eyes. Rubbing them trying to get them to clear, but they clear when they’re ready. (Yeah, I know, there’s science that explains that, but I don’t know it. I’m just saying rubbing them only does so much, the rest you have to wait on your eyes to work out.) When I was a child, the movie didn’t scare me. It has always been a top of my list favorite. I know it start to finish and listen to the soundtrack for fun. Recently, I’ve been faced with so many thoughts and reflections and mashed potato brains, that it finally hit me. “Fear me. Love me. Do as I say, and I will be your slave.” I saw Sarah in a whole new light. Her monologue ran through me like electricity. The chimes of the clock as her truth rang out. “You have no power over me.” It’s ringing inside of me now. I will get us out of this. This is not ok. This cannot continue. He only has the power that I gave him. The time has come to take it back.

I can’t tell you my plan. What I’ve put here is already too risky. The last couple of days have been awkward, but I just keep letting him assume it’s about my daughter not him. It’s harder to play my role now. It’s easier in that the fear has subsided so not flinching, squirming, tensing up, and such is easier. It’s harder in that I’ve run out of lies to tell myself. I’ve run out of ways to inflate the meaning of things. When he admitted he’s still been drinking, I wasn’t even surprised. He’d been making excuses to run to the car which pretty much meant he was either talking to someone or using something. My money was already on booze. This just confirmed it. After he admitted it, he brought it inside because he didn’t want to have to keep hiding it in the car. Of course he showed me and offered for me to draw a line on it. Conveniently, he asked me if I wanted to walk with him to his car for every trip after the one when he brought it inside. (Why? So you can show me all of what you want me to see? Make me feel like you’re not hiding anything? Or so I won’t dig through what’s inside? It doesn’t even matter anymore.) “Sure. Just give me a second to slip on some shoes.” *kiss* (At least when I go with him, the door isn’t slamming every time he goes through it. Every door he opens or closes. Every time. Without fail. He is one of the loudest humans ever. See what I’m saying? I can’t even come up with basic redeeming qualities right now.)

Ok. I have to go start channeling this empowered feeling into some results.

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