April 3

Dear Diary,

Last night was not as bad as I’d anticipated. I brought all of his things to his mom’s and sent him a message letting him know that he needed to go there. He sent me back one ugly message about how cruel I am and how much he’s sacrificed to be with me. I didn’t respond and didn’t hear from him again. I left my car at my mom’s and stayed at home. A friend found a phone for me to borrow so I have access to a phone again which is helpful. I hope he goes quietly, but I guess we’ll see.

I caught myself typing a text to him to let him know I made it to work. Thankfully, I caught myself before I hit send. It’s been an interesting less than 24 hours trying to figure out the new normal. Stopping myself from doing things I would do to keep the peace of satisfy him in some way. Recognizing those behaviors at all. I’m just trying to keep my head on straight. I have to keep reminding myself that it’s good that he’s gone. That our peace and safety is more important than my bond to him. That him not contacting me is good. That I should take that as confirmation that he doesn’t and didn’t care and that it wasn’t about love just control.

I can’t help but feel saddened by it though. The reality of it all setting in. The wasted time and energy, not for me, but my kids. I wanted to build something amazing for them, and I really thought we were going to do it. I thought we were going to be giving them a home and a life that they would remember fondly forever. What I gave them was trauma to work through. Of course I feel crushing guilt about letting it go on. My own mother flippantly said something to the effect of I should’ve done this months ago but she stays out of it, and that everyone has the monster in them it’s just about who’s going to bring it out. Well, thanks for making that sound like it’s my fault for provoking it…? I guess…

I read like 5 articles last night on trauma bonding just trying to understand what is happening in my mind and finding bits of reality to hold on to to keep myself from slipping back into it. It’s so hard though. I want to message him. I want to love him endlessly like I have for so long, but I know it’s not real. I know it’s just habits and that while I may give freely of my love to him, he does not return it.

I’m going to recover. My new life is already rewarding me in ways I hadn’t even imagined. More tomorrow, Diary. I have things to accomplish today.

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