April 9/10

Dear Diary,

I spent the day yesterday pretty much laying around or sitting outside enjoying the weather. I know I should have been more productive, but I really enjoyed the down time. I probably also needed it. I’ve made plans for later in the week to spend some time with people. One of the things I’m trying to do is consciously reach out to people that I want to have in my life. None of this will be easy. None of it will happen with no effort. Baby steps to re-integrating to society. I’m not just blindly opening doors though. I’m also making an effort to not over correct. Boundaries are important and I want to make sure that I set them, respect them, and enforce them.

Now, in the interest of more focus in our relationship, I’m going to try to keep the rest of this on that topic of boundaries and interacting with people. My neighbors are mostly great. There’s a few I don’t really talk to, but the rest of us hang out and share meals and stuff like that. We also hang with the neighbors from apartments near us. It’s genuinely lovely. I have lent cups of rice, sugar, coffee, ingredients for meals, seasonings, and I have borrowed those same things. We are a true neighborhood and community. I love it. I knew when I went to look at this place before I even went inside that I was meant to be here.

I’m trying to make sure that as I embrace this independence and environment here that I also take the time that I need to heal. I worry that I will just distract myself or get caught up in the high of socialization. I know that’s part of my lack of productivity over the last week. I’ve been so deprived of human interaction that I’m gorging myself on it. I made myself come in tonight because I was starting to feel like I was avoiding my life. I was definitely avoiding adulting. I’m frustrated by my own fears. We can get into that tomorrow though. Tonight, I’m going to read and get some sleep. I need to recharge. Recovering from trauma is hard, and my boundaries even with myself have been challenged.

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