April 11/12

Dear Diary,

I talked to him yesterday. And today. *sigh* I know. I told myself it was the mature thing to do to contact him to get him the remainder of his things. It turned into a whole mess. I haven’t seen him and it’s all been through text. Admittedly, I don’t regret it for the simple reason that he didn’t even try to pretend like he believes he did wrong. Well, that’s unfair. He did say he did wrong, but he did it in a way that implies that it’s my fault he did because I am somehow worse than him.

Every time I try to formulate a response, I am filled with extreme anger. I don’t want that life anymore. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life feeling this way. I’m angry. I’m hurt. I told him that part of me wants to believe it can work, but part of me thinks he will hit me or worse. He told me nothing he can say will fix that, but that I’ve had him on a string for years. Um. No, sir. I don’t think so. How is it possible that two people can experience such different realities.

Why can I not just accept that this man does not love me? Why can I not just accept that I deserve better than he has ever or likely could or would ever give me? Why can I not just pay attention to the red flags and stop circling this track? Diary, it’s frustrating. I shouldn’t have contacted him. I need to bring the rest of his stuff and be done. Done done. Not half done with a linger.

Ok. Ok. Setbacks are not the end of the world. I have not seen him. I can still recover from this and move on with my life as planned. I’m kind of mad at myself for this, but I know I can be strong enough to break free completely.

On another note, tonight’s the night I get to hang out with people in real life! No one to tell me I can’t see people who love and respect me! (These are the things I should hold onto.) I will definitely let you know how it goes. I’m off to get pretty for the festivities. Wish me luck! (Nah, I don’t need luck. Wish me fun. Fun I need.)

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