April 18

Dear Diary,

I finally cried for real last night. It just all hit me, and I stood in the kitchen and cried for a few minutes. It feels like waking up over and over. The pieces just keep clicking into place. No, it’s not like clicking into place. It’s recognizing how little I can trust what I thought I knew. His tapestry is unraveling. I’m happy about that in a way because even though it’s sad to think that none of it was real, none of it was real. It’s hard to want something back that you never really had. (Don’t give me too much credit here. I still think about him constantly. It’s just easier to catch myself because it comes back around to the lies.) I made one of my best friends promise that no matter what happens, he’ll always hate him for me. Which sounds worse than it is maybe, but it really just means that he promises to remind me of reality if I start spewing rose petals because I put the glasses back on.

I’m regularly dumbfounded by the things that I believed. The things I ignored. Most of all, the things that I hear myself thinking and saying sometimes. I also really wish people would stop saying things like, “I’m surprised that you put up with it as long as you did.” and commenting on how strong I am. I know they mean well, but shhhh. I don’t feel like I was strong. I don’t feel like I was me. I feel like I was lost in this, and now I’m trying to remember who I was and figure out who I want to be. Then, I have to figure out how to get there from this detour. I didn’t plan for this. I was planning a life with him. With our kids. That’s all gone now. On the bright side, our life is a blank canvas. We can paint it however we want.

I’m sure there will be more nights of crying, but I really just want my life back. I don’t want to be impatient, but I don’t want to be paralyzed by fear. I want to be free and live my life, but I don’t want to get too comfortable and leave myself open to something I don’t see coming. I’m getting jumbled now. I’m tired. I think I’ll turn in early tonight and hopefully do something productive tomorrow that makes me feel better. I guess we’ll see.

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