April 26

Dear Diary,

Last night I pulled my cards out just to do a quick read before bed. A simple, one card, “What do I need to hear/see right now?” read. Wouldn’t you know the deck threw the one that triggered the memory of the poem at me while I was shuffling? It was the Four of Swords. It was telling me to rest, recuperate, breathe. I took a picture for you (ok, us) and put it with the poem. I love when I feel like I hear the universe clearly. It makes me feel like myself. Like I’m at least aware. Maybe not on top of things, but aware enough to take control of my part in the rhythm of the cosmos.

I actually had an amazing day yesterday. We had a meeting for work that was lackluster at best which was disappointing and had us feeling some kind of way about things. Then, the meeting we had scheduled after that got cancelled. We took that opportunity to go view some space for a project we’re working on and clear our heads of that. While we were viewing the space, we were able to reschedule the second meeting. What we didn’t know as we were heading into this second meeting was that it was about to turn our whole day around. We went in to discuss one thing and ended up finding the embodiment of everything we’ve been willing the universe to send us/praying to find. I truly believe that when you are open to amazing things, amazing things will happen. Every single one of us in the meeting was completely struck by the experience. It was magical. When we left the meeting, we got lunch and discussed how the day had completely turned around. Even the weather completely turned around. We started the day with horrible rain and tornado threats everywhere. (Yeah, we drove in it. We’re stubborn like that.) By the time we left lunch, the sun was out and the sky was a brilliant blue.

After work, I went home and let my inspiration take me wherever it was leading. I got a few donation items for galas and benefits ready. It feels good to be getting those off my to do list. (Honestly, I’m way more backlogged than I should be, but I know a lot of that is a byproduct of the depression and abusive relationship dynamic.) I also started making a dress. (No pattern. Totally feel like a rockstar.) After working on those things for a while, it was time to try to get myself in bed. That’s when I decided to check in with the cards. After the first card, picture, poem, etc (see above), I shuffled again. That time I pulled the Ace of Swords. New beginnings. Sometimes after a separation of some kind. O. M. G. I HEAR YOU, UNIVERSE!!!

It feels great to be excited about things again. I still hear him in my mind all the time. I think taking that step to finally prevent him from contacting me was more important than I gave it credit for being. At first, I didn’t see it as a step in reclaiming my power. It felt like something else. Something cowardly? I’m not sure. I think I felt like I still had things to say. I think I was afraid the act of blocking him would be seen aggressively. Once I recognized that anything I could/would say wouldn’t be heard, it started to shift. My few attempts to talk were met with accusation and redirection to my alleged indiscretions. Even in these circumstances, he is mean, meaner perhaps. Doesn’t matter. Blocked now. It didn’t feel great at first. There was still a twinge of guilt mixed with fear. A sadness that I was closing the door on the possibilities. (Yes, I’m aware that those dreams were unrealistic fantasies, but I had cultivated and nurtured them for so long that they aren’t just forgotten.) As the days go on, I feel it lifting. Each day knowing that what’s waiting on the other side of the notification isn’t from him comes with a bit more positive emotion. It’s also just really nice not being afraid all the time. Big time happy about that bit. It feels good to know that I see a future without him. At some point, I suspect I’ll even start to try to figure out what parts of those dreams are still attainable in this new future. I guess we’ll see. Ok, enough of my chatter. Time to be productive.

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