May 2-8

Dear Diary,

The kids came back last weekend, but there’s some confusion as to their schedule at this point. One wants to go back to 50/50. The other wants to basically do every other weekend. I’m definitely struggling with my feelings about it because it’s obvious that it’s about avoiding me. We are sitting down with their dad tonight to talk about it because my actual issue here has nothing to do with how much or little time they want to spend with me. (That’s never really been a ‘thing’ in our arrangement.) As much as it hurts my feelings right now, I know that’s about how I feel and they need to feel how they feel without being pressured to make me feel better about the situation. Yeah, I’m bummed that this is where we are, but that’s mine to carry. My issue is that they don’t tell me what’s going on so I have no way to plan or even know my availability which is a huge problem when trying to find a job. They’re too young to know what that really means because they’re not old enough to work. They don’t understand the process of finding or landing a job. It’s frustrating and confusing for everyone. It’s more frustrating because 90% of the information I have gotten has been from me overhearing my kids talk to each other. Like, come on. You clearly have a plan. How hard is it for one of you to relay that information to me? (Their father is included in the one of you here because I have at least three times now expressed my annoyance with this particular issue as it relates to this particular set of circumstances. There has always been a communication problem in this way. He assumes they told me and I have no idea what’s going on unless I chase down information that I don’t even know that I need. Annoying. Frustrating. *eye roll* *deep breath*)

In other news, last night one of the neighbors asked me about him and said he hasn’t seen him around. I asked the neighbor if he had been coming around (because if he had, I definitely didn’t know about it). He basically said no, but that he had expected it. I can’t really remember exactly what he said. I told him that I had spoken to him and seen him after, but that every time I tried it just got ugly. I had kept it away from home on purpose. I had met up with him to get breakfast and then the next time we were supposed to see each other, I asked him if he wanted to get breakfast and he lost it on me and started telling me how much of a piece of garbage I am. At that point, I said to the neighbor, “I was like,’You threw me down stairs and shit and you’re sitting here telling me how much of a piece of garbage, I am? I don’t need that. I’m good.'” The neighbor says, “Well, it just got toxic. You can point fingers all you want, but it got toxic. You can come back from that. It’s not easy, and you have to do the work.” (While I don’t entirely disagree with him, I feel confidently that all this means is that the neighbor believes his lies about me and he’s probably been talking to him. It’s also possible that he just believes that my tiny woman brain can’t survive without a big man brain to tell me what to do and make the money.) I responded that my problem was that he was treating me like I was supposed to just forget it happened and let him right back into the house like it was fine and I wasn’t going to do that. There are real consequences (like my kids not being here) that come as a result of that shit. He agreed that letting him back in like it was nothing would likely send the message that it would be ok for him to do it again. If I’m being honest with myself, if I didn’t have kids or if I had kids with him, I would probably feel differently. I’m glad that neither of those things are true because I recognize how unhealthy that is. Knowing that it’s unhealthy doesn’t make it less true – or me feel less weak.

I really don’t know what to do or how to do it right now. I keep finding more areas of my life that this man has completely fucked up. Still as time goes on, more things unravel. I tried to get into therapy, but that didn’t work out. I need to get another job so that I can afford things like that (and food and shelter and utilities – you know – the stuff of societal life. If I didn’t have kids – ok and cats, I would totally live in my car for a while.) I just want my life back. I don’t wish I’d never met him. I don’t even regret loving him. I’m sad that I gave my love so completely to someone who couldn’t reciprocate it. I’m sad that it went on for so long that it had this catastrophic impact on so many areas of my life. I’m frustrated with trying to clean up the mess. Being an adult is hard and kinda dumb, Diary. It’s all responsibility and bullshit. Ok and accepting responsibility for your bullshit.

One of the neighbors from down the street asked me out on a date. There are a bunch of practical reasons that I said no that have nothing to do with it being too soon or my most recent relationship issues. However, he knows (at the very least) that I just got out of a relationship and that it was abusive. To me (and the couple of people I’ve talked to about it), he should’ve thought better than to even ask, but I guess not. I wasn’t mean about it, and I didn’t say that. We’re still fine and talk, and it’s not weird. It just really baffles me that you could know something like that and still think it was a good idea. I guess points for taking the shot? I don’t know. There’s a lot there that I don’t entirely feel like unpacking right now. Ultimately, it doesn’t even matter. I need to focus on me and my kids and getting my life back together. No relationship is going to aid in that process.

There’s still so much that I can’t even bring myself to talk about with anyone. There’s still so much that I can’t even bring myself to really think about. There are the big things like being thrown around like a rag doll which I can think about and talk about – sort of. However, there are so many tiny insidious things that compound in abusive situations that make them the monsters that they are. I’m trying to think of a way to explain it, but all I can think of is the tv show Dollhouse. I guess that’s because there’s this part where she’s talking about how she is all of the imprints but none of them are her. That really stuck with me because it related to how I feel about my depression and anxiety. I slip in and out of them, but none of them is me. It’s hard to explain if you’ve never seen the show. Let me see if I can find what she actually said. I did!

I remember everything. Sometimes I’m someone else and then I come back, but I still feel them. All of them. I’ve been many people. I can hear them, sometimes suddenly. I’m all of them, but none of them is me. Do you know who’s real?

Echo “Dollhouse”

I’ve changed so much in my life in so many ways that I don’t even notice until something drastic happens. That combined with depressed me or anxious me. It feels like there are all of these different versions of myself that need me to hear them, but none of them is me. I’m not sure who me is anymore. I wish I could get away. No, I don’t. I just would like it to be easier than it is to face demons because I’m whining and have cramps and personal growth is hard. Wah. I know. I know. Caterpillars have to become goo. I’m done.

Oh! I finally got the sewing machine set up yesterday and threaded it. Can I just tell you though? I did not understand it at all at first. I have 3 other sewing machines plus the one that’s my kid’s and this one has extra things and the bobbin that goes in the top which I’ve never had before. So confusing. Then, it has this whole extra thing to help you thread the needle. I didn’t even know what it was for until I found it in the instructions. I think it’s kind of cool but also unnecessary. I just don’t think threading a needle is that hard that I needed this thing with a hook on it to help me out. I’m sure at some point in using the machine, I will come across something that makes me find it more useful and then I will think it was brilliant. Right now, it just looks like extra steps when I can just stick the thread through the hole in the needle like I’ve done every other time before this thing existed in my life. Like anything, weird is not necessarily wrong just different and/or not understood. I think this falls in the different and not understood category as it’s completely new to me, and I haven’t used the machine since I set it up. I should do that today. I got an unexpected day off and I need to make better use of my time than just being a sloth feeling miserable. The desire to binge Netflix on the couch with a ton of chocolate is strong though. I suppose I could rotate the table and sew facing the tv. I wonder if the new season of Lucifer has been added yet. It’s supposed to go up today. I think I just figured out what I’m doing next.

I’m going to make an effort to be more consistent with you, Diary. I know I let too much time pass sometimes. I notice. Sometimes I’m hiding. Sometimes the honesty scares me. Sometimes I feel like I’m just whining and not doing enough. Sometimes I know that’s just impatience. Sometimes I feel like there’s nothing to report. Sometimes that leads to the not doing enough line of thinking. My point is that if my intentions are pure, I need to put the work into our relationship. The inconsistency exacerbates the lack of focus issue as well. This is my acknowledgment that I see both of those things and I intend to improve in both areas as well as general time management. With that said, I need to go rotate a table and sew.

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