May 14

Dear Diary,

I don’t have a start date for this job yet and it’s kinda starting to freak me out. I know I’m just being impatient. I know that I shouldn’t have one yet. I know enough about this industry to know that I shouldn’t even be worried about it, but somehow, here I am. Freaking out. Partially because I just want access to the systems. They use none of the systems with which I am most familiar. It’s basically like moving to a foreign country with almost no understanding of the language. I know what things are called, but I don’t know how to relay that information to anyone else until I get used to the new systems. If I could get into the systems, I could learn where everything is and be good to go. Not knowing things makes me nervous. Anxious. Kinda dizzy. Good times. I just keep having to remember to breathe. Deep in, deep out. Who knows? Maybe I won’t even get the job. Maybe that’s fear of rejection talking. On some small level, I wonder if he messed with it. I know that’s paranoia. I know I’m just so used to him finding ways to creep in and control things that I’m expecting it. It doesn’t help that he messaged me on Sunday. Just a couple of days after I talked to him. It’s one of those industries where everyone knows everyone so it’s entirely possible that before I even left that day he knew I’d been there to apply. I need to stop stressing about this and do something different. I feel scream in the woods crazy right now. I need to get out of the house. I need to have a job. I need to feel like anything is clicking into place. I’m also just worried because I feel like I hung my hat on this and what if I was wrong? Ok seriously… I need to go calm down and do some crafts for fundraiser donations and at least free up my to do list time. *sigh* Why do these things have to be so unnecessarily stressful???

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