May 15-21

Dear Diary,

I know. I know. I said I was going to be more consistent, and then I disappeared again. It would be nice if I could say it was because I started that job, and I’ve been crazy busy. I didn’t. I haven’t. Well, I have but not in the way I’d like. Spinning my wheels and chasing my tail mostly. Annoying.

On the positive side of things, I have gotten my house more organized and begun collecting back things that were scattered in places to which I did not have access. (Stored in male friends’ garages mostly. Wasn’t allowed to talk to them. Couldn’t get my stuff. Add it to the list of dumb things I allowed.) I also have been reconnecting with friends that had been booted, cut off, or drifted. That’s been good for my sanity. I feel like I have a better handle on reality now and that it’s easier to hold on to truth. My appetite is returning. The relationship with the kids is starting to open up again (just barely, until I mom them. *eye roll*).

On the freaking the fuck out side of things… I don’t have a job. I’m having a hard time finding a job. I’ve just discovered some legal issues that are adding to the problems in finding a job. Said legal issues require money to resolve. None of the bills are paid. A couple of payments have bounced. I am running out of time to “save” my life as it stands before I begin losing everything I’ve worked for up to this point. Also, the situation was reported to DCFS (Department of Children and Family Services) so I’m having to deal with that right now, too. (This is only a sort of freak out thing because I’m actually happy about it. Not that we’re having to deal with it, but that someone reported it at all. If I wasn’t already out, I would very likely have needed the wake up call. I was in deep. We’ve already done everything that they likely would have done. The relationship has ended, and the kids are mostly staying with their dad so I can figure things out on my end.)

On the logical side of things, whatever happens, happens. I will figure it out and recover and rebuild. (Maybe?) I can only do what I can do. The more time passes, the more I feel like myself. I will get it sorted out. I will work as hard and as long as I have to to get things back on track for myself and my kids.

On the ranty side of things, people are assholes who say really dumb things. I do not expect everyone (or anyone) to fall all over me and treat me like a delicate flower. I’m not. I’ve never been. I’ve always been a little hard and rough around the edges but a marshmallow on the inside. It’s not a big deal. I would, however, like people to stop acting like abuse doesn’t have consequences for everyone. I would like people would stop acting like picking up the pieces from it and dealing with the damage is something you do in five minutes. It’s not something you do in five minutes. It’s something I could be dealing with until my kids are grown in a lot of ways. It’s something we’re all going to be dealing with for a long time. I also would like it if my kids would back off a little with the raging against the machine, but that’s just because it hurts my feelings and all of my feelings are raw. I’m not mad at them or even trying to push back. I would just like it to be a little less mean sometimes. I know they’re hurt and angry and very likely – and for good reason – don’t trust me. I would never try to take that from them. I just would like the opportunity to heal together rather than further dividing over it. We’ll get there. One day at a time. Bit by bit.

I’m going to shoot for at least every other day here. (It’s certainly not as though I don’t have the time.) I need to make healing from this a priority and stop being stagnant and freaking out. All of these problems have a solution. I just need to stop trying to move the mountain and start climbing it.

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