Diary

June 21 – 25

Dear Diary,

I am really stressed. My shifts keep changing at work so I’m having a hard time building a customer base. That’s not helping me make money. It’s also not helping me try to find a second job. I really miss my kids, and I’m disappointed that the time has not produced more or better results. I need to be honest with myself and acknowledge that I’m not really doing the most that I could be doing. It’s really weighing on me. Clutter is an addition problem. I had hoped that some of this could be sold on a garage sale site, but it’s not looking good so far. I’m going to keep listing things and hope something turns up. I need to either use or unload some of these craft supplies. For real, it’s crazy in here. I think 3/4 of the “clutter” (piles of things that remain to be sorted and organized) is either stuff that needs to go or craft supplies. I was feeling overwhelmed by all of it and just wanted to sit down and try to center myself a little before I dig into it for a while. One of the kids is coming to hang out with me tonight so I’m going to do something productive before that happens. I really want to be in the moment for that and not worrying about everything else. I need to get through some of this stuff. Wish me luck! (Or organization or energy or just not a meltdown…)

June 13-20

Dear Diary,

Work. Sleep. Sort. Work. Sleep. Sort. Sort. Sort. Sleep. Work. You get it.

I went to that concert that was my present to myself for leaving him. It was as wonderful as I had hoped. It felt like a fitting close to that chapter. I went back and forth leading up to it trying to decide if I really wanted to go by myself, but I did. It was magical.

I spent a couple of days with the kids. Since then it’s pretty much been work sleep sort. It’s getting there though! Just keep swimming, right?

June 12

Dear Diary,

I took a break today. I didn’t sort, move, clean, or anything but get ready for work. It. Was. Glorious. Now just work and sleep tonight. Tomorrow I’ll get back to the grind. I had to be honest with myself and admit that I was starting to cut corners just to get through things. That’s just going to mean more work for me later. I decided taking the time to rest was a better choice than making myself continually stressed for longer. Now, heigh ho heigh ho…

June 6-11

Dear Diary,

We finally got everything out of my stepmom’s house and turned in the keys yesterday. I’ve been doing little besides working, helping my siblings with that, and sorting through all the things in my house. I’m very tired, but it’s also coming along. I have so many thoughts, but I haven’t taken the time to think them. It’s all so much, but at least being busy is keeping me from stressing constantly.

June 3-5

Dear Diary,

I have been crazy busy trying to help my siblings deal with everything and working and trying to deal with my house. My feet are the kind of sore that tingles. I ate a ton of Taco Bell. I’m so full. I’ve been going non-stop. It’s good because being busy makes me worry less. At the very least, it keeps me from having the time to amplify my anxiety. I have actually been managing about 6 hours of sleep nightly in the process though so that’s good. I’m tired, Diary. Not just physically. I need a disconnect break. Big time. Also I miss my kids. Can Jeannie or Samantha show up with some blinking or twitching and make this stuff all go where it lives now???

June 2

Dear Diary,

Emptying the home of someone who has passed is overwhelming. I will give credit that it has gone mostly efficiently. To our credit, my siblings and I don’t have much infighting. It’s been a largely supportive and pragmatic experience. As I sit here tonight in the empty carcass of her formerly full and blooming garden though, I’m struck by how quickly we can be erased from a space. We’ve all moved a lot in our lives though so I guess it makes sense that we’ve powered through it and gotten everything mostly removed in a matter of days. This whole thing is just weird…

May 31 – June 1

Dear Diary,

I pulled a rabbit out of a hat. I had a lot of help. This was not a solo victory. My village really came through. I have until the 15th to get June together. Next mission: Get the power back on. I can’t believe this is my life right now. It’s really sad to me how bad I let it get. It becomes more clear daily. I worked at the bar tonight (and got to keep my money!). It was fun. I’m enjoying the regulars so far though I’ve only been there three times now. (Fun fact about service industry jobs: They sometimes include a training period that basically means you’re not making money. You usually don’t get tips at all during this period. Additional fun fact: It’s super uncool when you know what you’re doing but also necessary to verify that you do. I respect it, but it’s annoying.) Thankfully, my trial period is coming to a close because I’m not an idiot and I’ve done this before. Also, I have standards. I made decent money, and I’m on the schedule next week for three night shifts. There’s an event planned for one of them. I’m happy about this place. I hope it works out. They seem to like me, and I like it so far. Plus, the money’s been pretty decent so far. I wasn’t even supposed to work tonight. They called me in to cover. I also met with a lady about cleaning her house. I got that job as well. Things are starting to turn around. I hope this continues.

May 29

Dear Diary,

The eviction notice was hung this morning. I have no idea if or how I’m going to save our home. The power was cut off yesterday. The good news is that I think I found a job bartending. Additionally, I have two potential homes to clean. I’m waiting for confirmation from the potential clients about appointments to get started. I want to scream, cry, bury my head in the sand. I’m not even sure. I don’t blame him for my choices but I completely feel like the choice to be with him was the undoing of every area of my life. I don’t think I’ve ever been this low. I’m freaking out. I know I have to just do what I can do. I have an appointment booked in the morning. Tonight I need to focus on my siblings. Hopefully it all comes together.